MEDICINE MAINTENANCE

In maintaining some sort of normal, I have to get my medication tweeked occasionally. Occasionally, I am able to do it without having to go into a hospital, but more often I require hospitalization to allow my mind to stop and rest in order to let the new medicine begin to heal  me. This means that I have to step  out of my daily life, the one everyone knows me in and be me for a few days. It is hard to explain what it feels like knowing you have to go to the hospital but I will try to explain the feelings one may have before actually entering a facility.

It is my goal to ease everyone's mind when it comes to mental illness. I can remember being young and scared of the mental hospital. It actually was a place used to scare the crap out of kids so they would act right. My first experience with a mental hospital was when I was an adult and no longer in my parents house. 

My problem with going to the hospital is that it always catches me by surprise. I can't make myself give in and admit I need help. It always creeps up on me and shocks me that I got to the point of needing to go to a hospital. The fact that I am extremely pro-active in my mental health doesn't seem to matter when it comes to hospitalizations. I can only explain it like this, I have never been able to admit my medication is not working on my own. I am unable to see it. I am, however, able to feel the affects of how my medication is affecting my daily life, but I always have this hope, deep inside, that tells myself it is going to get better. I think it is the false hope that causes me to allow my situation to go to one extreme to the other. 

It's also something that pisses me off more than anything else out there. I get mad when I have to submit to my mental health. I am not one of the lucky ones who can live a normal life out in the real world. My  world is very small, making it difficult to be outside of my house for long at all. I have, on occasion, been able to attend certain events when  my anxieties allow me to but I have missed out on so many things that are important to me. I may keep a smile on my face, or even laugh at some of my oddities, but the truth is I am horribly bothered by my situation. I understand and acknowledge my circumstances but I have never accepted my  mental illnesses. 

Once my medicine stops working or needs to be adjusted, I am usually the last to talk about it. I hang on to this mental fantasy that it is going to be alright. The uncomfortable feeling of admitting that my mind has taken control over my body is hard to swallow but that is exactly what goes on. I have to give up the fight I have with my own mind in order to allow myself to heal. I have so many questions that will never be answered, so many thoughts that I can't discuss or even put into words to ask. How can someone know who isn't going through the same thing as I do or how can someone tell me it is going to be okay when their struggle is so different from mine. It is, however, always okay once my medication is correct.

The hardest thing I can think of to  say is , "I need to go to the hospital." It is the most exposed I ever feel. Swallowing hurts the back of my throat and lumps up making it impossible to swallow or breathe. I am not scared of the hospital. I don't even mind going to the hospital. The hard part of going to the hospital is admitting I need to go. 

exhaustion

Making time to sleep has proven a difficult task lately. Sleep patterns are arbitrary and pointless to my person, it seems and my body has deemed them irrelevant and unnecessary to my existence. I lack the basic need of sleep and feel myself on the threshold of psychosis lately. I am living in a sleep deprived body that is begging for relief. The shakes have taken over and I am now walking around like a zombie. This, as unpleasant as it seems, is just the beginning of what will become a dire and desperate drive for sanity. It has already passed the help stage and is rounding the bend to insanity at an alarming rate. I will hold on as long as possible and wish my new medication will take effect soon or I will gladly go to a crisis center to get stabilized. 

random

• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
•  Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
• I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
•  I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
• The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
• Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
• There is a great need for sarcasm font.
• Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fck was going on when I first saw it.
• I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
• Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
• Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
• Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)...ummm...Goonies"
• What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories
• Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
• Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
• If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
• As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
• It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
• I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
•  I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than with Kay.
• The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

OBSESSION/COMPULSION

For fucks sake, I have been obsessed with my bathroom cabinet door shutting perfectly and have compulsively opened and shut it for the past 14 hours. How the hell is this even justifiable to someone without retardation? I am so sick and tired of these random games my mind plays on me. I'm still scared to death of the dark and now I find myself obsessively thinking someone is under the bed waiting to kill me. I wish I could blame this ridiculousness on schizophrenia, but alas, I don't have that disorder. How can I stay stuck on something for 14 hours and then try and function normally so others won't think I am a total spaz? If there was a wonder drug I would gladly take it. I also am so tired of people telling me that my condition can be cured. If one more person tells me that all I need is real prayer I think I will puke. Look, I have prayed about this and guess what......I'M UP FOR 14 HOURS TRYING TO SHUT A GODDAMN BATHROOM CABINET PERFECTLY. 

TIME

Everyone has a point in their life when they know it is "time". Whether it is because of an illness that has drawn on for too long or even life itself that has not produced any more than a strain on people you love and society. Do you just keep existing? That is the idea most people believe is the answer but if you are truly worried or scared of life do you just keep on living it? I am facing these decisions and I am not seeing a way to get out. I've been delusional for the past month, have tried to maintain a normal side of me when I'm around others to the best of my ability but that hasn't don't much good. I am what failure looks like. I am what failure is.

I realize someone who is depressed feels this way, and I admit that my depression has taken over to the extent that I am scared to live. I'm scared to do the littlest things in life right now. I am scared of my shower and that it will back up and make me deathly ill. I am being evicted for something I did not do but am getting blamed for having a party on Thanksgiving. I was home alone on Thanksgiving, so I'm not sure where the party comes into play. So,I have no options now. My family, whom I love, decided I need to try to get into a residential center *nursing home* and I am unable to sink my mind into that at all.

Delusions cause so many thoughts to run through my head that I am not sure what is real and what is not. Is it lying? Officially someone on the outside will think I am a liar but I don't know how to stop the stories. My brain chemicals are messed up, but I know that sounds like a cop out to others so I am too embarrassed to say it. I give hints to my psychosis but because I am able to hold a conversation with others I am not believed. Delusions are a tricky thing. My delusions convince me my life is going one way when in reality it is going another way. The way I realize it is when someone tells me what I am doing and I can recognize it doesn't make sense and that it is just made up. It is humiliating to me to have my behavior shown to me.

I guess this blog is about how I am finally tired. I've been tired so many times, but this time I have to stop pretending I can fix something that is so much bigger than me. I have to quit trying to play like I'm living when in fact I am just putting on a show for others to make them happy for me. I am tired. My delusions make me into a big liar. My depression makes it hard to be around others. My anxiety keeps me paranoid. My OCD is not making sense to me now and I am unable to finish a ritual now. Think this time I am going to Seroquel OUT!

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funny

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