random

• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
•  Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
• I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
•  I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
• The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
• Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
• There is a great need for sarcasm font.
• Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fck was going on when I first saw it.
• I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
• Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
• Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
• Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)...ummm...Goonies"
• What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories
• Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
• Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
• If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
• As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
• It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
• I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
•  I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than with Kay.
• The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

OBSESSION/COMPULSION

For fucks sake, I have been obsessed with my bathroom cabinet door shutting perfectly and have compulsively opened and shut it for the past 14 hours. How the hell is this even justifiable to someone without retardation? I am so sick and tired of these random games my mind plays on me. I'm still scared to death of the dark and now I find myself obsessively thinking someone is under the bed waiting to kill me. I wish I could blame this ridiculousness on schizophrenia, but alas, I don't have that disorder. How can I stay stuck on something for 14 hours and then try and function normally so others won't think I am a total spaz? If there was a wonder drug I would gladly take it. I also am so tired of people telling me that my condition can be cured. If one more person tells me that all I need is real prayer I think I will puke. Look, I have prayed about this and guess what......I'M UP FOR 14 HOURS TRYING TO SHUT A GODDAMN BATHROOM CABINET PERFECTLY. 

TIME

Everyone has a point in their life when they know it is "time". Whether it is because of an illness that has drawn on for too long or even life itself that has not produced any more than a strain on people you love and society. Do you just keep existing? That is the idea most people believe is the answer but if you are truly worried or scared of life do you just keep on living it? I am facing these decisions and I am not seeing a way to get out. I've been delusional for the past month, have tried to maintain a normal side of me when I'm around others to the best of my ability but that hasn't don't much good. I am what failure looks like. I am what failure is.

I realize someone who is depressed feels this way, and I admit that my depression has taken over to the extent that I am scared to live. I'm scared to do the littlest things in life right now. I am scared of my shower and that it will back up and make me deathly ill. I am being evicted for something I did not do but am getting blamed for having a party on Thanksgiving. I was home alone on Thanksgiving, so I'm not sure where the party comes into play. So,I have no options now. My family, whom I love, decided I need to try to get into a residential center *nursing home* and I am unable to sink my mind into that at all.

Delusions cause so many thoughts to run through my head that I am not sure what is real and what is not. Is it lying? Officially someone on the outside will think I am a liar but I don't know how to stop the stories. My brain chemicals are messed up, but I know that sounds like a cop out to others so I am too embarrassed to say it. I give hints to my psychosis but because I am able to hold a conversation with others I am not believed. Delusions are a tricky thing. My delusions convince me my life is going one way when in reality it is going another way. The way I realize it is when someone tells me what I am doing and I can recognize it doesn't make sense and that it is just made up. It is humiliating to me to have my behavior shown to me.

I guess this blog is about how I am finally tired. I've been tired so many times, but this time I have to stop pretending I can fix something that is so much bigger than me. I have to quit trying to play like I'm living when in fact I am just putting on a show for others to make them happy for me. I am tired. My delusions make me into a big liar. My depression makes it hard to be around others. My anxiety keeps me paranoid. My OCD is not making sense to me now and I am unable to finish a ritual now. Think this time I am going to Seroquel OUT!

Logorama from Marc Altshuler - Human Music on Vimeo.

funny

http://vimeo.com/9752986

HOARDER NEXT DOOR

I know I have talked about the old lady that lives by my old lady next door who is a hoarder. Now, on this day I was going to take her some beans and rice. When I got over there I couldn't find a spot to put the meal. This space is just the kitchen. That path where she is standing is honestly a path and it starts at the front door, to that area and tightens up from the living room to the bedroom. The clutter and smell is overwhelming and it has began to show its ugly head outside where she throws out pieces randomly.

Trying somehow to make sense of this mess outside of her front door is like being low IQ and trying to understand Quantum Physics. I sometimes think she is trying to decorate her front lawn or possibly doing a bit of landscaping. My heart goes out to her because she is obviously dealing with dementia/Alzheimer's and that scares me because I never know what to expect. She is a dear soul and a lovely lady but she doesn't know what she is doing. 

More of my Internet finds. ENJOY

Because I love anything that is beautiful and works with my senses as far as color, rhythms, and even movements I have stumbled upon a great artist who can produce tears to those who see his works. The word PERROQUET with all of his talent has quite possibly the most beautiful works I have witnessed so far. There are stills and slow motion videos that are out of this world. I would just suggest you sit back and get ready to have your mind blown by the beauty of this amazing website. 

Another beauty I found on the Internet is for anyone who loves art or gardens or both. There is a man in Australia who has combined the both to give viewers hours of beauty. Brunos Art and Sculpture Garden has over three hundred amazing photos of amazing beauty. I know you will enjoy this tremendously.