It is my goal to ease everyone's mind when it comes to mental illness. I can remember being young and scared of the mental hospital. It actually was a place used to scare the crap out of kids so they would act right. My first experience with a mental hospital was when I was an adult and no longer in my parents house.
My problem with going to the hospital is that it always catches me by surprise. I can't make myself give in and admit I need help. It always creeps up on me and shocks me that I got to the point of needing to go to a hospital. The fact that I am extremely pro-active in my mental health doesn't seem to matter when it comes to hospitalizations. I can only explain it like this, I have never been able to admit my medication is not working on my own. I am unable to see it. I am, however, able to feel the affects of how my medication is affecting my daily life, but I always have this hope, deep inside, that tells myself it is going to get better. I think it is the false hope that causes me to allow my situation to go to one extreme to the other.
It's also something that pisses me off more than anything else out there. I get mad when I have to submit to my mental health. I am not one of the lucky ones who can live a normal life out in the real world. My world is very small, making it difficult to be outside of my house for long at all. I have, on occasion, been able to attend certain events when my anxieties allow me to but I have missed out on so many things that are important to me. I may keep a smile on my face, or even laugh at some of my oddities, but the truth is I am horribly bothered by my situation. I understand and acknowledge my circumstances but I have never accepted my mental illnesses.
Once my medicine stops working or needs to be adjusted, I am usually the last to talk about it. I hang on to this mental fantasy that it is going to be alright. The uncomfortable feeling of admitting that my mind has taken control over my body is hard to swallow but that is exactly what goes on. I have to give up the fight I have with my own mind in order to allow myself to heal. I have so many questions that will never be answered, so many thoughts that I can't discuss or even put into words to ask. How can someone know who isn't going through the same thing as I do or how can someone tell me it is going to be okay when their struggle is so different from mine. It is, however, always okay once my medication is correct.
The hardest thing I can think of to say is , "I need to go to the hospital." It is the most exposed I ever feel. Swallowing hurts the back of my throat and lumps up making it impossible to swallow or breathe. I am not scared of the hospital. I don't even mind going to the hospital. The hard part of going to the hospital is admitting I need to go.
