MULLET MONTAGE

EXTREME MULLET

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SAHWEET

JOE DIRT BLEND

Starting a new chapter:

Not another boring blog today. Have you ever taken a ride with someone that gets on your nerves? I have spent the past 4 hours with an old man and his many stories. Now, don't get me wrong, I love to hear stories but not at the risk of a head on collision caused by his insistent need to keep looking at me while talking. In all, I have probably consumed 4 times the limit of air from gulping in from all the near misses today. Glad it's over and glad my son is here with me.

Today's travel was with a prison minister. Don't get me wrong, I love ministers. I also think it's cool to be called to minister in prisons but I honestly don't have the slightest curiosity about how hard the criminals are, sitting with someone on death row, and even hearing about their death threats. I don't work at a prison for a reason, and that simply is because I am too compassionate and too trusting. I would not last in that environment. It doesn't mean that I don't think people can be reformed because I do believe that; I just know I would be conned all the time.

So, here we are stuck in a car with a Mickey Rooney look a like and who's smell could pass as that of wet dog odor. He had old man smell, and I know it's not his fault because he's old. His car, well that is a story all in itself. He was bragging about how his car has over 400k miles on it and he has AAA for emergencies. I would hope so. I not only prayed for my life but for his car as well. We had bible lessons all the way down there, all of which pertained to prisoners.

I am proud to say that we in no way harmed any animal that lay dead in the road or on the shoulders. 

CAN'T REALLY BE SERIOUS TODAY

something to think about.

Every so often I get to run across a gem like this. Now, the reason for this picture is to stress that not always are the weight limits on baby items real. This is a nice example of how this stroller can withstand 30x's the official weight limit.

Okay, this was a ridiculous plug on my book, but doesn't it make you want to go out there and buy a copy?

Okay, to be fair, everyone know's that I am an OBAMA fan, but because I love funny pictures you have to admit that little girls head on the bottom right hand corner is going to be very famous.

Is it just me or does that hat really make his face POP

EXPLAIN PLEASE

I have always had a hard time trying to explain myself. It isn't because I am complicated that it takes more descriptive words, it's because I do everything to my own beat. A few weeks ago I went to one of my most dreaded places on Earth; Wal Mart. To some, this shopping center is such a delight that there are people who actually don't have anything to do and choose to go for enjoyment. It is something I do not understand, but more than that, I don't want to know the reason why. That is why I don't understand when someone asks me to explain what I am thinking or doing at the time. I have never found my actions to be that entertaining, nor my thoughts and words. 

Getting back to the story that I was beginning, I went to buy groceries with my mother a few weeks ago. I have found a way in which I can shop without coming unglued by the fact that other's have touched the products before I. If I have witnessed someone touching something I need to buy, I will use a bag as a glove to hold it long enough to put into the basket. This has taken some of my panic and anxiety out of shopping. I still feel like taking someone down if they touch me and I realize that is something I have to work out. To be in a fight with someone in my mind and the other person has no idea is not only a bit weird, even for my standards, but not conducive to my mental growth. So, I have perfected the way I can go to a store to get items I need without wasting any time or energy on things I don't need or want. 

You may be asking yourself, "Where is she going with this?" I feel the need to set up the baseline of the story so you can see how frustrating my day can be and how hard it is for me to explain myself. At the time I have finished placing the items in the basket in a specific order, I now have to find a cashier that I think will be my friend for the amount of time it takes to get things placed in bags and paid for. When I am out in public, no matter how insignificant or small the place is, I always pick out the good guys and my enemy. That is with any store. It's a mental list that means nothing to anyone else, it's my inner self that does this automatically. The majority of times I am in a mental fight with the person in line who runs to get something else and makes everyone behind wait for her to get back with the stupid product.

To continue the story, I am in line with what I considered to be a very unremarkable. The line wasn't as long as most, there were no screaming dirty smell kids in the line, so I wasn't in a fight with the mother. When it is time for me to start placing items upon the conveyor I methodically do so in a way that makes all the sense in the world. I place same items together. I realize my "same" and other's "same" is different, and I never think it is that important. What's important to me is that now I have my selected items placed exactly how I need them to be bagged, I watch with horror my enemy. The enemy showed itself and the mental fight was on. She was scanning each item too fast, not looking at what she was picking up, putting the items in a bag that I could never pick up because it was all wrong. She was trying my patience and looking at her did not seem to get her attention that she is getting a mental ass whooping. 

My heart is beating so fast I want to choke someone. How can someone be so inconsiderate that they do not take in consideration the amount of time and energy it takes to have a basket of groceries grouped perfectly and then placed on a conveyor in an order that would be easy for any cashier to work with? The chaos is so much that I really am beginning to dislike this woman with each beep. I refuse to pick up the bags to place in my empty basket, so she stops scanning and starts loading the bags herself. I am still in shock at what I am witnessing and we are not even halfway through. I need her to slow down. Watch the insanity you are making. I can't yell loud enough in my head for her to hear me and how she is the luckiest woman on earth right now because I am on medication that keeps me from being physically and verbally violent. She is oblivious of the fact that she is ruining my day with each scan and beep. I watch her taking things out of bags I purposefully put them in because someone had touched it before and now there were two different hands on my purchased item. I want to kick someone, a baby or something and I feel my eyes well up with tears. 

I am smart enough to know it isn't right, the way I do things, or the way I am. I get that, I am not in denial that the quirky things that are normal to me make others stare and wonder what is wrong with that woman. Just ask me, that's all I need. Let me explain please so that I don't hate you and you not even know it. I have fights in my head, and the victim is unaware. 

PROUD!

PROUD, that is what I am, proud. Proud of myself, proud of my mind and proud of my accomplishments. Okay, maybe that is a a bit obnoxious, but there are things that I have done lately that I have amazed myself of. First, I want it known that I am not a braggart. That being said, I am going to proclaim my accomplishments loud and proud, the way they deserve. It would be nothing less of foolishness if I did not do them justice.

After 18 years, I have stopped smoking. Not once have I freaked out about stopping or had the horrific withdraw symptoms associated with quiting. I found a will power I did not know existed inside of me that has bloomed. The number of times I have tried to quit in the past is too embarrassing to admit, but I will say it was more than I should have. I realized that smoking was tying me down. I couldn't feel 100 % when I was dependent on a cigarette. I was poisoning my body and mind. Prayer and more prayer gave me the encouragement and strength to stop the habit. So, I am proclaiming today, this perfect day, that I am smoke free. 

Over the past few months, I have taken certain things out of my diet. Until recently, I didn't know how my body was working on the inside. When I had some lab work done, I realized my health was not going to allow me to do the things I want to do. I took out meats, and although I occasionally will eat meat, I never buy it or stock it in my cabinet. I eat it when I am invited to someones house or out to eat. Milk has been another thing I have taken out of my life. It was amazing how much better my body felt without the two of those foods. Over a period of a few months, introducing those foods into my diet proved too hard for my digestion so I am back to no meat or milk. I can't really call myself a vegetarian because I am way to fat to be one, but I am on the road to getting my cholesterol down. I am just glad that I don't have to worry about high blood pressure or diabetes right now.

The third and final thing I have to talk about is I have finally found a peace to my life. For longer than I can remember, I worried about everything. I worried what people thought, heard, said, felt  about me. I can honestly say that my doctor gave me peace a little over a weak ago at my mothers begging. I had no idea she was talking to my doctors to take me out of the misery in my  mind, but she could see I was suffering. I was not aware I was suffering because I was in the middle of the war. I am not slower, and for a while I was scared of this feeling. I didn't understand this feeling and how it would affect my every day life. I am thankful for this peace, something I wish I would have been able to have years ago. The imagination can completely affect your decisions. I would tell myself that certain psych medicines would take away my creativity and caring, but I was ignorant. Ignorant to the fact that to slow the brain means I can now see things clearly. Instead of a rush of different images or thoughts, I now have those same thoughts and images but can actually appreciate them. I do not  have to race to hold on to them. I can let them dance in my  mind, give them a stage and allow it to play out the way it is supposed to. Before this new medication, my thoughts were flitting, never long enough to make much sense to others. I couldn't keep  up with my mind no matter how hard I concentrated. I have my mind back, although still ravaged by OCD and other mental illnesses, but it is livable. No need to pray each night to no wake up in the morning. I have something to look forward to, something new to experience, something more to say, something more to believe in. 

So, I brag. Proud of something I never felt possible. Proud I have found this path, this new road for my journey. Proud that I understand for the first time what it is like to not be in a constant state of agitating euphoria. I am now peaceful. My mind is peaceful, my images are peaceful, and my creativity is peaceful. How great that is, to be able to finally say, "I am at peace."

A STORY OF DISCONSOLATE pt.1

It is often that I get emails from individuals who I only know from networking sites. Few actually get my attention, and those that do are so alarming that It actually seeps into my soul. I am not sure how someone can be affected by someone else in a way that warrants a reaction, either by emailing or responding. I am going to give you a peek into some of my HOPELESS emails I put in a safe cyber file. The first one I will allow you to read is the first of many emotional letters I make myself read all the way through. It is the hardest emails or collection of thoughts for that matter that I read. I don't choose or ask for these emails, just as I don't know why I am the one who has been chosen to help those who need it. I never know if my response will be accepted, ignored, or inspirational. I fear the worse with every email in this category. I fear because I hear the desperation, the guilt, the fear, the despondence of depression. In each of these emails, I will however, allow you to know the outcome, whether good or bad. I give you this because I can't get rid of the visions, the hurt or the chaos in my head and heart until I put it down. I am putting it down for you, the reader. I will not say enjoy, but I will say respect. Respect the courage someone had to put to paper real thoughts, emotions, personal feelings. Respect the way depression grips your choice of words, the vocabulary that does not necessarily need to be understood by all. This, I'm sorry to say, is the first of many blogs that I am getting out. Hang in there with me, and see if you see or hear something that I have missed, something I didn't understand. 

11 November, 2009

I am writing this to you because I don't know who to talk to. I am (sic) added you as a friend for a long time ago (sic). My life is in pieces and I don't know how to fix it. I wrote a bad check. I promised my mom I didn't and now they know I did and my mom can't know I lied. I am too scared to say I lied. I can't go to jail because my world will fall apart. Is there an easier way because I would like to know. For 4 days I know the police know (sic). I don't want to leave a note because I don't know what to say to her. It is just us. I am too shamed by what I have done. I send you this because I think you will understand me, because you have felt the way I do. I want to, but I'm scared. I have to but I wish I didn't. I'm not making much sense right now, but I have a question for you. How do you say goodbye? How do you say I'm sorry but I have to leave? It is okay if you don't have the answer. I don't have the answer. Will you say a prayer for me?

__________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, so I picked this one to start with because it was the first one I corresponded with. At first, when I read the email, I thought I was dealing with someone quite young, just by the way the words were put together. It wasn't until after I responded did I find that she was in her late 20's. Without telling the entire reasoning she had for wanting to die, I will say that she made a mistake. The lady bounced a check, and in my mind I don't see it as such a dire problem. Let me clear that up by saying I don't think it's a good idea but if it is by accident, isn't maliciously done it can be taken care of. All the time I was reading it I just focused on the offense of insufficient funds. I didn't realize that what she was trying to tell me was that her offense was LYING to  her mother or being caught in a LIE. Do you see why I am not cut out to help people? Do you see why I am haunted by the fact that someone out there has given me a key into their life and I don't know what I am supposed to do with that key. There is some pattern though to these emails, all of them think I understand or that I have been where they are. Is this the path I am supposed to go on? This young lady that wrote the letter, did in fact, attempt to swallow more than the recommended dosage of pain relievers and consequently was found by her mother in time to rush her to the hospital. The last I heard from her was that she was going back to school to study, and I am not making this up people, psychology. After I received our last correspondence, she informed me that she was going to close out her account. I haven't heard from her or what has happened since, and although I am not using her name, if she does happen to read this by chance I would definitely love to hear an update.

CRYING

 DO YOU KNOW THE EFFECTS WORDS HAVE ON THE PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT YOU? IF YOU KNEW THE WORDS AND THE PATH THOSE YOU HAVE CONTACT WITH WERE A STRUGGLE DAILY, WOULD THERE BE CRITICISM? WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO SAY I BELIEVE IN YOU? COULD YOU SAY I BELIEVE IN ME? ANSWERS NEVER COME EASY. A TEAR FLUSHES THE EYE, BUT IT ALSO EXPRESSES THE FEELING FROM DEEP WITHIN. IT CAN BE OF HURT OR HAPPINESS. DO YOU CRY WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND? DO YOUR TEARS FALL FROM YOUR FACE IN SECRET? WE ARE TOLD TO STOP CRYING, BE STRONG, DON'T SWEAT THE LITTLE THINGS. WHAT IF THOSE LITTLE THINGS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS THAT ARE WHAT DRIVE US TO SPILLING OUR HEARTS OUT THROUGH OUR TEARS? DO YOU SACRIFICE YOUR FEELINGS IN ORDER TO STAND STRONG FOR THOSE AROUND YOU RATHER THAN OWNING YOUR OWN FEELINGS? IT SEEMS LATELY I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET ANSWERS TO THINGS THAT SHOULD BE SO EASY TO ME, BUT HOW DO YOU BEGIN? I DON'T WANT TO FAIL, I DON'T WANT THE FEELING OF FAILURE AGAIN. THAT WORD "AGAIN" IS SUCH A DEATH SENTENCE. WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE THAT WORD IN MY VOCABULARY. BEING SCARED OF FAILURE IS MY BANE. IT HURTS TO THINK YOU HAVE PUT YOUR HEART INTO SOMETHING, GROWN IT AND MOLDED IT ONLY TO HAVE IT PUSHED OVER, PARCHED, ALONE, SILENTLY DYING. THIS BLOG SEEMS VERY DARK AND I KNOW I HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOING ON.

I TRY MY HARDEST TO BE THE PERSON I CAN BE PROUD OF. OF COURSE, THAT CAN BE  TAKEN ANYWAY DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU ARE IN LIFE. I AM TRYING TO CLEAN MY BODY AND MIND. WHO KNEW HOW HARD IT WOULD BE?  RESEARCH GIVES ME AN OUTLET TO FIND WAYS TO PURGE MY FAULTS BUT THE FEAR TAKES OVER MY MIND SOMETIMES. SO THE NEGATIVE IMAGE IS OF A TEAR, BUT IT CAN BE TEARS OF DREAD OR HAPPINESS. IT IS ONLY TEARS. CRYING DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR FEELINGS, IT JUST SIGNIFIES OUR EMOTIONS. NEVER FORGET TO TELL THOSE WHO MATTER TO YOU THAT YOU LOVE THEM, NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL IS THEIR FLAW. WHO CAN SAY THE FLAW YOU SEE IN THEM IS REALLY A FLAW? DON'T POINT OUT THEIR STRONGHOLD, IT WILL ONLY BECOME YOUR STRONGHOLD.