After 18 years, I have stopped smoking. Not once have I freaked out about stopping or had the horrific withdraw symptoms associated with quiting. I found a will power I did not know existed inside of me that has bloomed. The number of times I have tried to quit in the past is too embarrassing to admit, but I will say it was more than I should have. I realized that smoking was tying me down. I couldn't feel 100 % when I was dependent on a cigarette. I was poisoning my body and mind. Prayer and more prayer gave me the encouragement and strength to stop the habit. So, I am proclaiming today, this perfect day, that I am smoke free.
Over the past few months, I have taken certain things out of my diet. Until recently, I didn't know how my body was working on the inside. When I had some lab work done, I realized my health was not going to allow me to do the things I want to do. I took out meats, and although I occasionally will eat meat, I never buy it or stock it in my cabinet. I eat it when I am invited to someones house or out to eat. Milk has been another thing I have taken out of my life. It was amazing how much better my body felt without the two of those foods. Over a period of a few months, introducing those foods into my diet proved too hard for my digestion so I am back to no meat or milk. I can't really call myself a vegetarian because I am way to fat to be one, but I am on the road to getting my cholesterol down. I am just glad that I don't have to worry about high blood pressure or diabetes right now.
The third and final thing I have to talk about is I have finally found a peace to my life. For longer than I can remember, I worried about everything. I worried what people thought, heard, said, felt about me. I can honestly say that my doctor gave me peace a little over a weak ago at my mothers begging. I had no idea she was talking to my doctors to take me out of the misery in my mind, but she could see I was suffering. I was not aware I was suffering because I was in the middle of the war. I am not slower, and for a while I was scared of this feeling. I didn't understand this feeling and how it would affect my every day life. I am thankful for this peace, something I wish I would have been able to have years ago. The imagination can completely affect your decisions. I would tell myself that certain psych medicines would take away my creativity and caring, but I was ignorant. Ignorant to the fact that to slow the brain means I can now see things clearly. Instead of a rush of different images or thoughts, I now have those same thoughts and images but can actually appreciate them. I do not have to race to hold on to them. I can let them dance in my mind, give them a stage and allow it to play out the way it is supposed to. Before this new medication, my thoughts were flitting, never long enough to make much sense to others. I couldn't keep up with my mind no matter how hard I concentrated. I have my mind back, although still ravaged by OCD and other mental illnesses, but it is livable. No need to pray each night to no wake up in the morning. I have something to look forward to, something new to experience, something more to say, something more to believe in.
So, I brag. Proud of something I never felt possible. Proud I have found this path, this new road for my journey. Proud that I understand for the first time what it is like to not be in a constant state of agitating euphoria. I am now peaceful. My mind is peaceful, my images are peaceful, and my creativity is peaceful. How great that is, to be able to finally say, "I am at peace."
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