It is often that I get emails from individuals who I only know from networking sites. Few actually get my attention, and those that do are so alarming that It actually seeps into my soul. I am not sure how someone can be affected by someone else in a way that warrants a reaction, either by emailing or responding. I am going to give you a peek into some of my HOPELESS emails I put in a safe cyber file. The first one I will allow you to read is the first of many emotional letters I make myself read all the way through. It is the hardest emails or collection of thoughts for that matter that I read. I don't choose or ask for these emails, just as I don't know why I am the one who has been chosen to help those who need it. I never know if my response will be accepted, ignored, or inspirational. I fear the worse with every email in this category. I fear because I hear the desperation, the guilt, the fear, the despondence of depression. In each of these emails, I will however, allow you to know the outcome, whether good or bad. I give you this because I can't get rid of the visions, the hurt or the chaos in my head and heart until I put it down. I am putting it down for you, the reader. I will not say enjoy, but I will say respect. Respect the courage someone had to put to paper real thoughts, emotions, personal feelings. Respect the way depression grips your choice of words, the vocabulary that does not necessarily need to be understood by all. This, I'm sorry to say, is the first of many blogs that I am getting out. Hang in there with me, and see if you see or hear something that I have missed, something I didn't understand.
11 November, 2009
I am writing this to you because I don't know who to talk to. I am (sic) added you as a friend for a long time ago (sic). My life is in pieces and I don't know how to fix it. I wrote a bad check. I promised my mom I didn't and now they know I did and my mom can't know I lied. I am too scared to say I lied. I can't go to jail because my world will fall apart. Is there an easier way because I would like to know. For 4 days I know the police know (sic). I don't want to leave a note because I don't know what to say to her. It is just us. I am too shamed by what I have done. I send you this because I think you will understand me, because you have felt the way I do. I want to, but I'm scared. I have to but I wish I didn't. I'm not making much sense right now, but I have a question for you. How do you say goodbye? How do you say I'm sorry but I have to leave? It is okay if you don't have the answer. I don't have the answer. Will you say a prayer for me?
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Okay, so I picked this one to start with because it was the first one I corresponded with. At first, when I read the email, I thought I was dealing with someone quite young, just by the way the words were put together. It wasn't until after I responded did I find that she was in her late 20's. Without telling the entire reasoning she had for wanting to die, I will say that she made a mistake. The lady bounced a check, and in my mind I don't see it as such a dire problem. Let me clear that up by saying I don't think it's a good idea but if it is by accident, isn't maliciously done it can be taken care of. All the time I was reading it I just focused on the offense of insufficient funds. I didn't realize that what she was trying to tell me was that her offense was LYING to her mother or being caught in a LIE. Do you see why I am not cut out to help people? Do you see why I am haunted by the fact that someone out there has given me a key into their life and I don't know what I am supposed to do with that key. There is some pattern though to these emails, all of them think I understand or that I have been where they are. Is this the path I am supposed to go on? This young lady that wrote the letter, did in fact, attempt to swallow more than the recommended dosage of pain relievers and consequently was found by her mother in time to rush her to the hospital. The last I heard from her was that she was going back to school to study, and I am not making this up people, psychology. After I received our last correspondence, she informed me that she was going to close out her account. I haven't heard from her or what has happened since, and although I am not using her name, if she does happen to read this by chance I would definitely love to hear an update.
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