WALKING UPRIGHT

It is June now, and what a great month it has already started out to be for me. I have actually went a week without falling. Some will feel that is embarrassing to do, but to me it has always felt like slap-stick comedy. I actually feel bad when there is no one around to witness it. I probably find it more amusing than others do.

I have to clean house today because my therapist is coming over my place for therapy. I like that a bit better but I am cool with either one. I'm wondering what I want to talk about with her. I have a few things on my mind this time. Of course we will talk about the boring stuff first, the new medication and how I am feeling. I hope to get that out of the way first off so we can discuss new and exciting things.

Have you ever fell in love with someone? It seems like an easy question, but I am talking about the type of love where your stomach gets sick just talking to that other person, just talking about that other person? Is that an odd reaction, to feel the need to run to the bathroom quickly? I've wondered that for a long time, and although it happens to me, I am not sure what that signifies. 

If you spend many years with someone, love them more than anything else, and then the bottom falls out of the relationship and it ends without ever really ending, what does that mean? The two of you are no longer together, but  you can't stop loving no matter what you try, how do you get through? What if the other marries and still calls and tells you he loves you? How do you get to the point where it does not matter? 

I have been transitioning my life and lifestyle. I am finally feeling good about myself, a feeling I haven't had in many years. I feel I deserve more than I gave myself over the years. I know I am not the best looking woman out there, and yet I feel I am still a great person. I may not be comparable to others physical standards but I am a great person. I am great because I love. I love people for who they are, not what I want them to be. It took years for me to understand that. Many years, in fact, to believe that I was worth love. 

Do you believe someone loves you when they say they do? I know when someone loves me, but I also have a hard time seeing when someone says they love me for what it is. I tell everyone I talk to on the telephone before we hang up that I love them. It is genuine, it is felt, and it is something I say in case it is the last time I get to speak to them. Saying I love you though is not being in love. I tell myself I do not want to be in love, yet I know that if I were to get that one call, that one knock, that one person who tells me, then I would be in it to win it. 

I guess I can say I don't want to be bothered because the truth is, I don't want to have to go through the motions. I don't want to meet someone and then find out there is a discrepancy in each others feelings. It would be hard and damaging to an ego that is trying to grow. I'm not sure that I feel uncomfortable saying ego either. It's something that needs to be nurtured sometimes, right? 

So, every now and then, I get a phone call. A phone call where my stomach feels ill, my heart beats faster, my feelings torn up in shreds like confetti. It is that call that I dream of. The call that comes but doesn't deliver. So, I joke at the beginning of this post about not falling. It is not a joke. It has more than one meaning to me. I have begun to walk upright.

I love myself enough to know that words are not necessarily what we need to hear to feel what we need to feel. Actions, although sometimes may be hard to see, should be what we base our true feelings on.

So:

I get a call;

one that says I love you;

one that says he want to come by;

one that says he will always love me and I should know that;

one that says baby, if you love me you will take care of me;

one that says if you change your mind you know how to reach me.

Such a waste of time, trying to love someone who has no true love for me. I am not blind, I am not dumb, I am not impaired to where I don't know the deal.

I am walking upright again, not stooping or falling for the same thing over and over. I stand straight now. I don't want to be pushed over so I can tumble. My feet are planted, and although erosion is hard to fight off, I am determined this time to stay put. It has taken so long to get where I am now that to destroy it would be like ripping an infant from the womb when it is not ready. Does it give me strength? I hope it has given me the strength to stay on the right path without falling.

So, I walk, and while I walk I do not fall. I am walking upright for the first time in a long time and it feels so good.