TIME

Everyone has a point in their life when they know it is "time". Whether it is because of an illness that has drawn on for too long or even life itself that has not produced any more than a strain on people you love and society. Do you just keep existing? That is the idea most people believe is the answer but if you are truly worried or scared of life do you just keep on living it? I am facing these decisions and I am not seeing a way to get out. I've been delusional for the past month, have tried to maintain a normal side of me when I'm around others to the best of my ability but that hasn't don't much good. I am what failure looks like. I am what failure is.

I realize someone who is depressed feels this way, and I admit that my depression has taken over to the extent that I am scared to live. I'm scared to do the littlest things in life right now. I am scared of my shower and that it will back up and make me deathly ill. I am being evicted for something I did not do but am getting blamed for having a party on Thanksgiving. I was home alone on Thanksgiving, so I'm not sure where the party comes into play. So,I have no options now. My family, whom I love, decided I need to try to get into a residential center *nursing home* and I am unable to sink my mind into that at all.

Delusions cause so many thoughts to run through my head that I am not sure what is real and what is not. Is it lying? Officially someone on the outside will think I am a liar but I don't know how to stop the stories. My brain chemicals are messed up, but I know that sounds like a cop out to others so I am too embarrassed to say it. I give hints to my psychosis but because I am able to hold a conversation with others I am not believed. Delusions are a tricky thing. My delusions convince me my life is going one way when in reality it is going another way. The way I realize it is when someone tells me what I am doing and I can recognize it doesn't make sense and that it is just made up. It is humiliating to me to have my behavior shown to me.

I guess this blog is about how I am finally tired. I've been tired so many times, but this time I have to stop pretending I can fix something that is so much bigger than me. I have to quit trying to play like I'm living when in fact I am just putting on a show for others to make them happy for me. I am tired. My delusions make me into a big liar. My depression makes it hard to be around others. My anxiety keeps me paranoid. My OCD is not making sense to me now and I am unable to finish a ritual now. Think this time I am going to Seroquel OUT!