PROUD!

PROUD, that is what I am, proud. Proud of myself, proud of my mind and proud of my accomplishments. Okay, maybe that is a a bit obnoxious, but there are things that I have done lately that I have amazed myself of. First, I want it known that I am not a braggart. That being said, I am going to proclaim my accomplishments loud and proud, the way they deserve. It would be nothing less of foolishness if I did not do them justice.

After 18 years, I have stopped smoking. Not once have I freaked out about stopping or had the horrific withdraw symptoms associated with quiting. I found a will power I did not know existed inside of me that has bloomed. The number of times I have tried to quit in the past is too embarrassing to admit, but I will say it was more than I should have. I realized that smoking was tying me down. I couldn't feel 100 % when I was dependent on a cigarette. I was poisoning my body and mind. Prayer and more prayer gave me the encouragement and strength to stop the habit. So, I am proclaiming today, this perfect day, that I am smoke free. 

Over the past few months, I have taken certain things out of my diet. Until recently, I didn't know how my body was working on the inside. When I had some lab work done, I realized my health was not going to allow me to do the things I want to do. I took out meats, and although I occasionally will eat meat, I never buy it or stock it in my cabinet. I eat it when I am invited to someones house or out to eat. Milk has been another thing I have taken out of my life. It was amazing how much better my body felt without the two of those foods. Over a period of a few months, introducing those foods into my diet proved too hard for my digestion so I am back to no meat or milk. I can't really call myself a vegetarian because I am way to fat to be one, but I am on the road to getting my cholesterol down. I am just glad that I don't have to worry about high blood pressure or diabetes right now.

The third and final thing I have to talk about is I have finally found a peace to my life. For longer than I can remember, I worried about everything. I worried what people thought, heard, said, felt  about me. I can honestly say that my doctor gave me peace a little over a weak ago at my mothers begging. I had no idea she was talking to my doctors to take me out of the misery in my  mind, but she could see I was suffering. I was not aware I was suffering because I was in the middle of the war. I am not slower, and for a while I was scared of this feeling. I didn't understand this feeling and how it would affect my every day life. I am thankful for this peace, something I wish I would have been able to have years ago. The imagination can completely affect your decisions. I would tell myself that certain psych medicines would take away my creativity and caring, but I was ignorant. Ignorant to the fact that to slow the brain means I can now see things clearly. Instead of a rush of different images or thoughts, I now have those same thoughts and images but can actually appreciate them. I do not  have to race to hold on to them. I can let them dance in my  mind, give them a stage and allow it to play out the way it is supposed to. Before this new medication, my thoughts were flitting, never long enough to make much sense to others. I couldn't keep  up with my mind no matter how hard I concentrated. I have my mind back, although still ravaged by OCD and other mental illnesses, but it is livable. No need to pray each night to no wake up in the morning. I have something to look forward to, something new to experience, something more to say, something more to believe in. 

So, I brag. Proud of something I never felt possible. Proud I have found this path, this new road for my journey. Proud that I understand for the first time what it is like to not be in a constant state of agitating euphoria. I am now peaceful. My mind is peaceful, my images are peaceful, and my creativity is peaceful. How great that is, to be able to finally say, "I am at peace."

A STORY OF DISCONSOLATE pt.1

It is often that I get emails from individuals who I only know from networking sites. Few actually get my attention, and those that do are so alarming that It actually seeps into my soul. I am not sure how someone can be affected by someone else in a way that warrants a reaction, either by emailing or responding. I am going to give you a peek into some of my HOPELESS emails I put in a safe cyber file. The first one I will allow you to read is the first of many emotional letters I make myself read all the way through. It is the hardest emails or collection of thoughts for that matter that I read. I don't choose or ask for these emails, just as I don't know why I am the one who has been chosen to help those who need it. I never know if my response will be accepted, ignored, or inspirational. I fear the worse with every email in this category. I fear because I hear the desperation, the guilt, the fear, the despondence of depression. In each of these emails, I will however, allow you to know the outcome, whether good or bad. I give you this because I can't get rid of the visions, the hurt or the chaos in my head and heart until I put it down. I am putting it down for you, the reader. I will not say enjoy, but I will say respect. Respect the courage someone had to put to paper real thoughts, emotions, personal feelings. Respect the way depression grips your choice of words, the vocabulary that does not necessarily need to be understood by all. This, I'm sorry to say, is the first of many blogs that I am getting out. Hang in there with me, and see if you see or hear something that I have missed, something I didn't understand. 

11 November, 2009

I am writing this to you because I don't know who to talk to. I am (sic) added you as a friend for a long time ago (sic). My life is in pieces and I don't know how to fix it. I wrote a bad check. I promised my mom I didn't and now they know I did and my mom can't know I lied. I am too scared to say I lied. I can't go to jail because my world will fall apart. Is there an easier way because I would like to know. For 4 days I know the police know (sic). I don't want to leave a note because I don't know what to say to her. It is just us. I am too shamed by what I have done. I send you this because I think you will understand me, because you have felt the way I do. I want to, but I'm scared. I have to but I wish I didn't. I'm not making much sense right now, but I have a question for you. How do you say goodbye? How do you say I'm sorry but I have to leave? It is okay if you don't have the answer. I don't have the answer. Will you say a prayer for me?

__________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, so I picked this one to start with because it was the first one I corresponded with. At first, when I read the email, I thought I was dealing with someone quite young, just by the way the words were put together. It wasn't until after I responded did I find that she was in her late 20's. Without telling the entire reasoning she had for wanting to die, I will say that she made a mistake. The lady bounced a check, and in my mind I don't see it as such a dire problem. Let me clear that up by saying I don't think it's a good idea but if it is by accident, isn't maliciously done it can be taken care of. All the time I was reading it I just focused on the offense of insufficient funds. I didn't realize that what she was trying to tell me was that her offense was LYING to  her mother or being caught in a LIE. Do you see why I am not cut out to help people? Do you see why I am haunted by the fact that someone out there has given me a key into their life and I don't know what I am supposed to do with that key. There is some pattern though to these emails, all of them think I understand or that I have been where they are. Is this the path I am supposed to go on? This young lady that wrote the letter, did in fact, attempt to swallow more than the recommended dosage of pain relievers and consequently was found by her mother in time to rush her to the hospital. The last I heard from her was that she was going back to school to study, and I am not making this up people, psychology. After I received our last correspondence, she informed me that she was going to close out her account. I haven't heard from her or what has happened since, and although I am not using her name, if she does happen to read this by chance I would definitely love to hear an update.

CRYING

 DO YOU KNOW THE EFFECTS WORDS HAVE ON THE PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT YOU? IF YOU KNEW THE WORDS AND THE PATH THOSE YOU HAVE CONTACT WITH WERE A STRUGGLE DAILY, WOULD THERE BE CRITICISM? WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO SAY I BELIEVE IN YOU? COULD YOU SAY I BELIEVE IN ME? ANSWERS NEVER COME EASY. A TEAR FLUSHES THE EYE, BUT IT ALSO EXPRESSES THE FEELING FROM DEEP WITHIN. IT CAN BE OF HURT OR HAPPINESS. DO YOU CRY WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND? DO YOUR TEARS FALL FROM YOUR FACE IN SECRET? WE ARE TOLD TO STOP CRYING, BE STRONG, DON'T SWEAT THE LITTLE THINGS. WHAT IF THOSE LITTLE THINGS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS THAT ARE WHAT DRIVE US TO SPILLING OUR HEARTS OUT THROUGH OUR TEARS? DO YOU SACRIFICE YOUR FEELINGS IN ORDER TO STAND STRONG FOR THOSE AROUND YOU RATHER THAN OWNING YOUR OWN FEELINGS? IT SEEMS LATELY I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET ANSWERS TO THINGS THAT SHOULD BE SO EASY TO ME, BUT HOW DO YOU BEGIN? I DON'T WANT TO FAIL, I DON'T WANT THE FEELING OF FAILURE AGAIN. THAT WORD "AGAIN" IS SUCH A DEATH SENTENCE. WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE THAT WORD IN MY VOCABULARY. BEING SCARED OF FAILURE IS MY BANE. IT HURTS TO THINK YOU HAVE PUT YOUR HEART INTO SOMETHING, GROWN IT AND MOLDED IT ONLY TO HAVE IT PUSHED OVER, PARCHED, ALONE, SILENTLY DYING. THIS BLOG SEEMS VERY DARK AND I KNOW I HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOING ON.

I TRY MY HARDEST TO BE THE PERSON I CAN BE PROUD OF. OF COURSE, THAT CAN BE  TAKEN ANYWAY DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU ARE IN LIFE. I AM TRYING TO CLEAN MY BODY AND MIND. WHO KNEW HOW HARD IT WOULD BE?  RESEARCH GIVES ME AN OUTLET TO FIND WAYS TO PURGE MY FAULTS BUT THE FEAR TAKES OVER MY MIND SOMETIMES. SO THE NEGATIVE IMAGE IS OF A TEAR, BUT IT CAN BE TEARS OF DREAD OR HAPPINESS. IT IS ONLY TEARS. CRYING DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR FEELINGS, IT JUST SIGNIFIES OUR EMOTIONS. NEVER FORGET TO TELL THOSE WHO MATTER TO YOU THAT YOU LOVE THEM, NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL IS THEIR FLAW. WHO CAN SAY THE FLAW YOU SEE IN THEM IS REALLY A FLAW? DON'T POINT OUT THEIR STRONGHOLD, IT WILL ONLY BECOME YOUR STRONGHOLD.     

MY JOURNEY

What do you do when the inside of your body hurts? Not the kind of hurt from a heart ache or such trivial reasons as that. I am talking about a pulsing, driving ache that is with you constantly? You know that there is something you have to do for it, but you are lost in what that is.

For a few weeks now, I have had that ache. I've been asked if I am depressed, and I can truthfully say that I am not. I ache for something that I cannot see though. There is something out there I am supposed to do or say or be that I can't get to yet. It is an overwhelming feeling that I am not used to being tuned in to.

Sometimes, I feel as though I am on the right track, and although I look and sound like I am confident, my path seems a bit too complicated to me. I know what I feel I should do with my life, but I am not sure how to incorporate it into my daily living. How contrite I sound even talking this way, but it is that weight, that anchor that is heavy inside of my body that I hear, feel, even hold.

It is a weight, and yet it is also an electrifying feeling that I know something is around the corner for me. I have that feeling a child has looking at the presents under the tree and wondering what is behind the beautiful packaging. So, I spend my days waiting, watching and hopefully reading what it is I am supposed to be doing.

While I write this, I am sitting in the front room looking out of the front door that is open. There has been a slight overcast and the wind is blowing the clouds toward me. I say me because it is my world that I am living in. I watch as the ex marine rides in his hover-round with his missing legs, both from the knee down and ask myself why I have never told him thank you. It is because it would take me outside of my world, where there is safety and quiet. He is a very kind man. I met him once while doing laundry. He had a small cardboard box full of wash rags and kitchen towels that needed to be washed. I watched silently at first as he tried to maneuver the washing machine while his automotive seat hindered some of the buttons needed. I slowly rose from a bench I was on and took his laundry soap and finished the job for him. It wasn't until I was through that I realized that maybe he didn't want help. He had a smile on his face and thanked me. ME? I only did what my mother would have done, what she taught her children to do. 

It was that day, with the ex marine who had sacrificed his lower limbs while on duty, that I began to ache inside. I still don't know what it is, but I bet it has to do with someone other than myself. It will come to me, I just don't know when that will be. I've went over so many scenarios in my head until it too felt a burden. Do we all have that ache? I've never discussed it with anyone to know how prevalent this ache is. I don't even know what words to use for it. Me, someone who can describe anything, and I can't describe this stupid ache that I am having.

So, my ex marine is riding around outside, just looking at nature, feeling the wind blow against his body, letting the sun nourish his body and he looks as though all is great in the world. For some, I think it is. I think he has the right to finally feel his world is great. In my selfish mind I wanted to feel sorry for him, wanted to think he needed my help, wanted to be important. I never thought about his perspective. I've never seen him without a smile on his face. His daily activities seem to stay the same, not a lot of change and it looks like he feels fine with that. He seems happy, and yet I look at him and wonder where I have the the audacity of ever being depressed, or sad, or even upset. 

So, my path is beginning to become wider. I've came out of the narrow and straight to one that gives me a chance to look around, see more than what is in front of me, see others as they are and not what I imagine them to be, see things clearly and without a distorted glass to hide behind. I am ME. I say that a lot and now I mean it. I have a place to go, a place to be and I'm on my way. I just wish I understood what this ache is that I have, that my body feels, that my  mind cannot figure out. This ache is my path, it will show itself one day and I am no longer on that narrow road so I should be able to see it's light when I get there.

WALKING UPRIGHT

It is June now, and what a great month it has already started out to be for me. I have actually went a week without falling. Some will feel that is embarrassing to do, but to me it has always felt like slap-stick comedy. I actually feel bad when there is no one around to witness it. I probably find it more amusing than others do.

I have to clean house today because my therapist is coming over my place for therapy. I like that a bit better but I am cool with either one. I'm wondering what I want to talk about with her. I have a few things on my mind this time. Of course we will talk about the boring stuff first, the new medication and how I am feeling. I hope to get that out of the way first off so we can discuss new and exciting things.

Have you ever fell in love with someone? It seems like an easy question, but I am talking about the type of love where your stomach gets sick just talking to that other person, just talking about that other person? Is that an odd reaction, to feel the need to run to the bathroom quickly? I've wondered that for a long time, and although it happens to me, I am not sure what that signifies. 

If you spend many years with someone, love them more than anything else, and then the bottom falls out of the relationship and it ends without ever really ending, what does that mean? The two of you are no longer together, but  you can't stop loving no matter what you try, how do you get through? What if the other marries and still calls and tells you he loves you? How do you get to the point where it does not matter? 

I have been transitioning my life and lifestyle. I am finally feeling good about myself, a feeling I haven't had in many years. I feel I deserve more than I gave myself over the years. I know I am not the best looking woman out there, and yet I feel I am still a great person. I may not be comparable to others physical standards but I am a great person. I am great because I love. I love people for who they are, not what I want them to be. It took years for me to understand that. Many years, in fact, to believe that I was worth love. 

Do you believe someone loves you when they say they do? I know when someone loves me, but I also have a hard time seeing when someone says they love me for what it is. I tell everyone I talk to on the telephone before we hang up that I love them. It is genuine, it is felt, and it is something I say in case it is the last time I get to speak to them. Saying I love you though is not being in love. I tell myself I do not want to be in love, yet I know that if I were to get that one call, that one knock, that one person who tells me, then I would be in it to win it. 

I guess I can say I don't want to be bothered because the truth is, I don't want to have to go through the motions. I don't want to meet someone and then find out there is a discrepancy in each others feelings. It would be hard and damaging to an ego that is trying to grow. I'm not sure that I feel uncomfortable saying ego either. It's something that needs to be nurtured sometimes, right? 

So, every now and then, I get a phone call. A phone call where my stomach feels ill, my heart beats faster, my feelings torn up in shreds like confetti. It is that call that I dream of. The call that comes but doesn't deliver. So, I joke at the beginning of this post about not falling. It is not a joke. It has more than one meaning to me. I have begun to walk upright.

I love myself enough to know that words are not necessarily what we need to hear to feel what we need to feel. Actions, although sometimes may be hard to see, should be what we base our true feelings on.

So:

I get a call;

one that says I love you;

one that says he want to come by;

one that says he will always love me and I should know that;

one that says baby, if you love me you will take care of me;

one that says if you change your mind you know how to reach me.

Such a waste of time, trying to love someone who has no true love for me. I am not blind, I am not dumb, I am not impaired to where I don't know the deal.

I am walking upright again, not stooping or falling for the same thing over and over. I stand straight now. I don't want to be pushed over so I can tumble. My feet are planted, and although erosion is hard to fight off, I am determined this time to stay put. It has taken so long to get where I am now that to destroy it would be like ripping an infant from the womb when it is not ready. Does it give me strength? I hope it has given me the strength to stay on the right path without falling.

So, I walk, and while I walk I do not fall. I am walking upright for the first time in a long time and it feels so good.