Today I am reaching into my archives of emails I have kept for over a year. These emails are what keep me real and understanding of how the public still feel about someone like me.
SHAWN:
I knew you when we was growing up and all of a sudden you have this mental illnesses. How is it I never saw it?
X:
You did not see it because when I was growing up the main problems I had were anxieties, and OCD. I didn't know what OCD was but I knew I didn't know anyone else with these games in their head. I chose at an early age to hide it at all cost. I didn't trust anyone with knowing because I didn't want to be seen as a freak or an outsider. It took most of my energy to entertain everyone daily to take away from what was really going on inside. Just because there was always a smile on my face and a laugh in my throat didn't always mean I was feeling that way. I wanted to please everyone else. The Bipolar didn't crop up until I was already out of school, so that may have been the reason you were not aware of the mood swings.
SHAWN:
I think that your insistence that there is NO GOD, has led to your illness. God heals those who ask and he also saves those who believe.
X:
Interesting that you would assume I am against God. I do not talk about religion because it is a personal thing. The fact that you think I have not asked God why is absurd. You know what, that was the worse thing I had ever done. Not only did I feel guilt and shame for asking why, but I also felt I was accusing him of making a mistake. There is no one on this earth that can cause me to doubt my faith or my walk. It is true, however, before I was treated I didn't walk on a path that led to good things. It took me a while to come around, but I feel everything happens for a reason. I wasn't meant to have an easy life, I wasn't meant to understand everything. I do know, though, that the God I believe in does not mess up. So, if I were to assume the reason I am not healed is because God made a mistake with me, then I am sinning in the worse way possible. My body does not secrete enough seratonin to keep my brain chemicals balanced. I have a job now, and that is to give those without a voice a chance to be heard. I am NOT nor will I ever be embarrassed of my situation. I will say that when it is time to meet our maker, if you are still worried about God not healing me then by all means, please tell him about his mistakes. I happen to be the type of person who feels I am supposed to be the way I am, I have a crazy ability to tell stories, to make people listen to me. That skill was honed all of those years I had to hide my disease.
I like this one. I deal with alot if stuff that people have no idea of, because I hide it. And ive been hiding ever since I was 13 and my father started touching me, I was ashamed and now I am left with damage beyond anyones belief! But because I joke and act all silly and loud and happy people assume I am a happy person. They have never seen me when I'm not putting on a show. I battle depression, severe depression. I'm a true and honest man hater, I think 90 percent of them are bad and are out to hurt woman and children, is this logical? Probably not, but I believe it. And anxiety I have horrible anxiety, to the point I dwell on things for months and get sick to my stomach and have major panic attacks. So anyways I'm glad ur speaking up. It makes the rest of us they generally hide our crazy not feel so alone!
ReplyDeleteStormy,
ReplyDeleteI am always easy to find, always available, and never will I judge someones stones that lay their path. You may count on me to talk to in a time where you are too tired to keep up. Depression, like many other brain chemical diseases out there, is life changing. Some will never know, and they are the lucky ones, how it feels to be lost in your mind and not knowing what you are going to do. I applaud you for living. I applaud you for the person you are. Hold your head high, my friend, because you are a survivor, a strong woman, and a loving person.