The other day I was asked, "What does eccentric mean?" Without hesitation I answered, "over the top." It was then that I realized that I shouldn't be the one to give the answers. In life, we always think we have ALL the answers. I didn't have a dictionary with me to give the correct response, nor did I have any business just supplying the answer. I realize now that we all have to search. Search for answers, search for understanding, even search for growth. I have a hard time not keeping my mouth closed, and thus it is my bane. How to learn to sit back and just observe is an ongoing process with me.
I'll give you a great example of this lesson: It wasn't too long ago that I was asked to help with something. The what and why is not really important to the story. I immediately, in my mind thought, how ridiculous that is to do. I accepted the challenge and then later I decided there is no way it was going to work. Somehow I had to get myself out of this situation, so I made a call and told this person that the job at hand was an impossible one and that no amount of time would warrant the result they wanted. What I had thought they said was not even close, so the week I had spent trying to accommodate their need was completely unnecessary. I actually hate to admit defeat, but it was staring me in the face like a billboard flashing it's lights. It took fifteen minutes to do the task that I should have done in the first place.
It is a flaw, an unwanted tick on the back for me to sit back and wait. Over the years you would have thought I would learn that simple task but it's like learning it all over again each time. The desire for competition in me is unwarranted. Even my OCD's I have to win. I am not sure when it started or if there was a point in which it started because I always remember the game.
Many people think OCD is like in the movies or on a television show. I wish it were that simple. There is no guidelines to this disease, no rules, no reasoning. It is what makes me take action and not wait though. It would be great, though, if this meant I could accomplish more than I have or will. That just isn't the case with me. My mind has so many ideas, so many equations, everything already worked out in it's own place that to introduce something means I will have to find where it belongs in my head. That is why I have such a hard time just sitting back and waiting. I don't have all the answers, and logically I know this, but somewhere in my mind I have it all worked out except it doesn't make sense to the outside world.
Numbers, how I love numbers. I nearly flunked math though. See? It makes no sense. I see everything in numbers, measure with my eye millimeters to an exact measurement without the aid of any tape measure. Interesting how the mind works. Any discrepancy in something I can pick up and will try to make it work in a pattern. I can't just sit back and wait for things to fall into place. I obsess over the now and it has to work in my mind. There is a feeling that goes along with OCD. I can only describe it to someone without the disease like this: when you are brushing your teeth and you see something in your teeth, you will brush it until that speck is gone. You feel as though you finished the job. Well, in a sense, that is what it is like for us. It is impossible to try to list the different documented rituals that are out there. They are each individual, each personal, each owned by someone.
Now, here's the tricky part. When you see someone who counts their steps do you stare? It's easy to do that, and I am guilty of it as well. I do it to figure out his/her patterns though, not because I'm seeing something odd. I laugh about mine, as does my family when they see me doing it. They ask me while I am doing a ritual if that is what i'm doing and I shake my head yes. They laugh, and when I am through I laugh also. Is it too personal to those with this disease, I can't answer that for everyone. I want to say we love it if you would ask us instead of stare, but that would be my interference with others feelings and I can only answer I don't mind at all. I have to sit back and wait to hear the question. I have to know that not everyone feels at ease about their mental illness as I do. It is and has been a hard thing and it is a daily struggle. I can only do me.
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