HOW DID THIS HAPPEN

I have been asked more than once how this mental illness happened to me. I find it quit odd that someone would think that I caught it or something. I have spent a lifetime trying to keep it hid, so that may be the reason some people think I just came down with it. Sorry, I've had it all my life, severities have differed but it has never left me.

I try hard to be patient, yet sometimes my heart is on my shoulders. I don't think people, in general, think they are hurtful by the things they say. Sometimes, though, things are said out of spite, or misunderstanding. Sometimes it is I, who although I hate to admit wrong, take things personal where there wasn't anything actually directed at me. I usually know when that happens I am starting to sink into a depression and I need to get my medications tweeted a bit. I am lucky that I have signs that alert me of my mental state.

People with depression, often times, refuse to be in company. It is a hard thing to get up and entertain the thought of even conversation. I don't deal with depression much and I am thankful that when my body is headed that way my actions are a big indicator. I've known people who have spent years in a depressed state and refused to get the basic of help. It is a most miserable feeling to be helpless to your own body.

I will describe, in words, how depression affects the body. There is a weight that holds you physically down. It is hard to raise your head off of your pillow. It is hard to feel comfortable anywhere you are. The mind tricks you into thinking you are sick. Not some ordinary sickness either. You start having symptoms of deadly diseases and cannot imagine why no one can find anything wrong with you. You get completely offended if the doctors refer you to a psychologist and so you change doctors.

Depression is also the culprit of extreme laziness. You have no energy to do the smallest of tasks. You can become sleep deprived because you are thinking about your situation and not being able to get out of it. Usually, not always, you feel you would be better off dead than a burden on someone else. The problem with depression though is it is usually brought on by triggers, from what the mental health facilities say. I say there is no scapegoat. You can't blame your depression on anyone or anything other than yourself. I know that sounds harsh to say but if you think about it you realize that it is within your brain chemicals that is making you this way. I realize that anytime you lose something or someone, grief sets in and the way you deal with it is personal but it doesn't mean it was the cause of the depression. Any time you go with little sleep, from worries or being scared, that can affect your brain chemicals and thus depression begins.

I don't want anyone to think I have all of the answers. I am just someone who deals with mental illness and wants those who have questions to ask. If I don't know then I am sure someone else will know. Sometimes it just takes someone to listen and tell you how they deal with things. It took me 37 years to understand what was going on with me. It was not talked about because we didn't know anyone who was suffering and I was not about to let others find out I was flawed.

I guess this blog is about stepping back and finding yourself. Whether that is depression or whatever else is running your life instead of you. Mental health is not for pussies. We are soldiers in a fight that some have no idea the war is going on. It feels like it is time to push through the barriers of this disease and let people know that WE are not weak, we cannot keep silent for the sake of making those around us uncomfortable.